(the letter you probably will never read)
Today, May 24, 2014.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? ... and where did the dad from my childhood go? Ya the same guy that still makes empty promises.. but the lucid minded guy that didn't want to cut me at every chance as I with him. You live in the most intense world of denial it must be unbearable...and it has bled itself into the rest of us like a fucking cancer. Dark, black, and sticky. Everyone has tried to help you. Continues to try and help you. AND continues. Everyone from your parents to your children can see you are OFF.
Can you take a step back from your pride and ego and open your fucking heart and eyes. We aren't trying to hurt you, come at you, be mean to you, but you have to OPEN YOUR EYES.
My options are keep trying to help or leave you to your own devices.
Right now leaving you to your own devices is the only option you are giving us.
I have enough shit in my life to process.
This empath is EXAUSTED.
Get your shit together.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The Hurt Locker
Go figure I have to travel to Colorado, put my hand in the river, to finally find some peace. After all I do currently live in a state where vortexes are plentiful..
Colorado seems to be my break through state. Metaphysically/Spiritually at least. Last time my crystal key chain broke, as well as my mala I'd had since the beginning of my pregnancy with my daughter. She was 13 months when it broke in Telluride summer. Today a second crystal key chain broke after visiting the river.
Sitting there listening to the water raging invokes such peace. calm. fluidity. I placed my hand in the river and connected. Water is my medium. The river spoke.
This 3 week trip has led to a lot of self discover. Good. Bad. Ugly. Pretty. Numb. A lot of things from my childhood are filtering through and coming to my attention.. and for a lack of better words.. is terrifying. Things I never realized I took part in. For example talking over people or having the last word and being argumentative to get a point across or make a point. As a kid you don't know why the fuck your parent talks over your after they ask you a question or feel cornered and have to argue my way to proving anything with examples, times, dates, like being cross-examined. My dad thinks mind games toughened us up for the "real world" but really all he did plant a land mind that at almost 30 I walked upon and blew my heart apart from my mind. Any time now I find myself doing these three things. It has increased more recently too. The only correlation I can make is the more constant seeing my dad. My dad is not a bad or horrible person. He's just as confused and had to make up some bullshit game to cover up his inability to ask for help. Another HUGE thing I'm working on. I have a hard time asking for help. End up doing everything myself begrudgingly because no one helped me automatically without having to be asked to help. I have to ask for help. Big or small. Ego and Pride. A lot of it came from being extremely DEEP in postpartum depression with a 6 month old whom I didn't want anyone to touch but devastatingly wanted a break. I just didnt want to ask for help. Shitty cycle.
I told my husband when I became pregnant with her I put my EVERYTHING into making her. Blood, cells, energy, love, spirit, essence from me into her. I wanted my child to have the absolute best. When I became pregnant my body was no longer just mine, it was the home for which my child would grow for 10 months.
After I had my beautiful daughter my hormones dried up like a drought, the extreme opposite of super hormone pregnant, and I have felt "lost" since. I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter whom love me intensely!! I'm going through a huge transition, I don't now what, but I feel change. I crave back the confidence that I know is deep inside me. Living in the Now.
Yoga, diet change, SLEEP, time blocking, TRUST in myself.
Colorado seems to be my break through state. Metaphysically/Spiritually at least. Last time my crystal key chain broke, as well as my mala I'd had since the beginning of my pregnancy with my daughter. She was 13 months when it broke in Telluride summer. Today a second crystal key chain broke after visiting the river.
Sitting there listening to the water raging invokes such peace. calm. fluidity. I placed my hand in the river and connected. Water is my medium. The river spoke.
This 3 week trip has led to a lot of self discover. Good. Bad. Ugly. Pretty. Numb. A lot of things from my childhood are filtering through and coming to my attention.. and for a lack of better words.. is terrifying. Things I never realized I took part in. For example talking over people or having the last word and being argumentative to get a point across or make a point. As a kid you don't know why the fuck your parent talks over your after they ask you a question or feel cornered and have to argue my way to proving anything with examples, times, dates, like being cross-examined. My dad thinks mind games toughened us up for the "real world" but really all he did plant a land mind that at almost 30 I walked upon and blew my heart apart from my mind. Any time now I find myself doing these three things. It has increased more recently too. The only correlation I can make is the more constant seeing my dad. My dad is not a bad or horrible person. He's just as confused and had to make up some bullshit game to cover up his inability to ask for help. Another HUGE thing I'm working on. I have a hard time asking for help. End up doing everything myself begrudgingly because no one helped me automatically without having to be asked to help. I have to ask for help. Big or small. Ego and Pride. A lot of it came from being extremely DEEP in postpartum depression with a 6 month old whom I didn't want anyone to touch but devastatingly wanted a break. I just didnt want to ask for help. Shitty cycle.
I told my husband when I became pregnant with her I put my EVERYTHING into making her. Blood, cells, energy, love, spirit, essence from me into her. I wanted my child to have the absolute best. When I became pregnant my body was no longer just mine, it was the home for which my child would grow for 10 months.
After I had my beautiful daughter my hormones dried up like a drought, the extreme opposite of super hormone pregnant, and I have felt "lost" since. I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter whom love me intensely!! I'm going through a huge transition, I don't now what, but I feel change. I crave back the confidence that I know is deep inside me. Living in the Now.
Yoga, diet change, SLEEP, time blocking, TRUST in myself.
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